So here I am awake.
It’s normal; for me at least. It’s normal for me to find myself completely unable to shut my brain down. So I think over the day; the week; the month; the year and sometimes even over events from decades ago.
My problem is that instead of thinking on the good things; the positive; I fixate on the stupid and the bad. I rehash the words I said and kick myself for the stupidity that comes out of my mouth. How could I have said that? Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut? What was I thinking; was I thinking???
I can’t seem to let it go. And as I think over the day; weeks; month; years I see that wisdom does not seem to be present. I feel terrible for the hurtful things I’ve said; for the soapbox or rant I’ve gone on. And even though in some cases years have passed when that memory surfaces I just want the earth to open and swallow me whole. I can’t seem to find a way to forgive myself and move on. I succeed for a little while but when the memories come flooding back… well a dark hole is where I’d like to be.
Why is it so difficult for me to let things go? Why do I beat myself to a pulp for years?
Tonight is another late night.
The memories are rushing back.
I’m so tired…
I just want to sleep …