Things to Ponder

Up late… again

So here I am awake.

It’s normal; for me at least.  It’s normal for me to find myself completely unable to shut my brain down.  So I think over the day; the week; the month; the year and sometimes even over events from decades ago.  

My problem is that instead of thinking on the good things; the positive; I fixate on the stupid and the bad.  I rehash the words I said and kick myself for the stupidity that comes out of my mouth.  How could I have said that?  Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut? What was I thinking; was I thinking???

I can’t seem to let it go.  And as I think over the day; weeks; month; years I see that wisdom does not seem to be present.  I feel terrible for the hurtful things I’ve said; for the soapbox or rant I’ve gone on.  And even though in some cases years have passed when that memory surfaces I  just want the earth to open and swallow me whole.  I can’t seem to find a way to forgive myself and move on.  I succeed for a little while but when the memories come flooding back… well a dark hole is where I’d like to be.  

Why is it so difficult for me to let things go?  Why do I beat myself to a pulp for years?  

Tonight is another late night.

The memories are rushing back.

I’m so tired…

I just want to  sleep …


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